Parables for Today: Everybody Needs Strokes

Fr. Joe Mannath, SDB –

During a religious order’s Provincial Chapter, a priest got up and spoke of his painful disappointment with something that had happened. He had been appointed to a school that was doing badly. Without changing the admission policies, at the cost of much work and great sacrifice, he had brought up that school to a very good standard. What he told us in that meeting was: “I did not get even a post card from anyone of you congratulating or encouraging me. If I had done badly, everyone would have been talking about it.”

Isn’t there much truth in this outburst? We seem to take a good performance for granted, and complain of what goes wrong. Some of us think there is something artificial or silly about showing appreciation for what is done well (a well-cooked meal, an effective lecture or homily, honest work by a public servant, well-brought-up children,…). In training sessions, when we ask the group for comments on someone’s performance, many participants take that to mean: “Point out the mistakes made by the person.” Very few highlight the positive side.

Everybody needs strokes: One of the most popular forms of psychotherapy in recent decades is Transactional Analysis (often abbreviated to “TA”), which helps people to understand their own feelings and behaviour and to analyze the way they relate. One of the frequently repeated axioms in TA is: “Everybody needs strokes.” Each of us needed plenty of physical touch and looking after (cuddling, hugging, kissing, being held) when we were small. As we grow older, we retain a great need for psychological strokes—a kind word, a token of appreciation, a smile, recognition from significant persons. Children who get only food, but not enough loving touch (as, for instance, in some orphanages), develop physical illnesses as a result. We adults are more subtle. We do not openly admit our longing for recognition, our thirst for love, our eagerness to be accepted; we seek these indirectly, long for them at times, and pay a price when we do not get enough “strokes.” Students, for example, who are ignored by their teacher, will rather cause trouble and be noticed, rather than behave correctly and be unrecognized.

I had a rather unexpected confirmation of this years ago. One of our Italian missionaries told me: “I remember something you told me when we met in Rome.” I was worried that I might have said something that upset or offended him, if he recalled it after some fifteen years. Seeing my facial expression, he added: “Don’t worry. It was something nice. You told me that after going to Europe you realized it must have cost me a lot to leave all that and come to work in India. You were the only one to tell me that.” It was a revelation to me to see that a simple remark of the kind from me, a young seminarian then, would mean that much to this experienced and well-known priest.

Later experience convinced that the TA people are right on target: Everybody—and that means really everybody—needs strokes. Many are dying to hear a good word, a sincere word of encouragement, a few words of appreciation that come from the heart. Almost everyone is more insecure than they look—this is another axiom I have grown increasingly convinced of—and badly requires building up. Isn’t much of our grooming, dressing, buying vehicles and doing up our homes ways of securing people’s compliments and approval?

“The meal is on me”: A group of engineering students went for dinner to a restaurant in their city. They liked the meal and the way it was served. One of them decided to find the manager to tell him that. Imagine the man’s surprise when he learned that these young men looked for him to show their appreciation for the meal. He was so impressed by their unexpected act of thoughtfulness that he refused to take money for the meal.

Most of us complain about corruption in public life, or the disappointing performance of leaders, whether secular or religious. How many of us take the trouble to write a letter or make a phone call to encourage an honest administrator or dedicated public servant? How many tell a priest that his homily helped them, or a teacher that he/she made a great difference to one’s life? How many of us let our parents know how much their love and sacrifice have meant to us?

I remember the joyous glow on Mrs. Susan’s face as she showed me a card she had received from her daughter. Her daughter had got herself into serious problems and made a number of mistakes which had caused the family much pain. Susan treated her daughter with love and firmness, not giving in to her self-destructive tantrums, nor rejecting her. The daughter later blossomed beautifully, went on to college and graduated. On graduation, she wrote to her mother to tell her that she had reached a stage of happiness and self-confidence now, all because of her mother. This was the card Susan showed, adding: “I am grateful for these signs. I could have died without hearing these words of appreciation from my daughter.”

Not everyone shows the wisdom Susan’s daughter showed. I remember the remorse and regret of Patricia, who had been greatly helped by a sister she knew, but to whom she had never spoken or written a word of appreciation. One day, she decided to write a letter telling this friend how much her love and help had sustained her; but, before the letter reached its destination, her friend died in an accident

If you have something good to tell someone, say it now. If you notice something good and praiseworthy, express your appreciation right now. Don’t wait for the person to die before you say how good he/she was

Appreciation is not all the same thing as flattery. In flattery, we praise a person for non-existent good qualities in order to gain some benefit. Appreciation, instead, is born of nobility of sentiments; we are open enough to notice the good the other person does, and generous in our praise. And if others praise the same person, we are glad to add our own words of encouragement and esteem

This is one of the best of building up people and thereby multiplying the good done in the world. The beauty of the situation is: everyone of us can do it, and do it easily. All we need is an open heart, and the desire to give credit where it is due

In case you are not in the habit of giving strokes, why not start today? Why not start with someone next to you?

If Jesus himself praised the centurion and others, shouldn’t you and I show appreciation without waiting for flawless performance and angelic virtue?

This article first appeared in The New Leader


Father (Doctor) Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of the Conference of Religious of India (CRI). He is a Seminary formator/professor for 18 years, and professor at Madras University (12 years), visiting professor in the US (some 20 summers), as well as in Italy, Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore, Spain, Thailand and UK. He conducts seminars for educators, religious and priests; counseling; parish ministry; past president of the Association of Christian Philosophers of India and of the Salesian Psychological Association. He is a member of British Mensa; a thinker listed in the Marquis “Who’s Who” in the world. He’s also a linguist who knows English, French, German, Italian, Latin, Malayalam, Spanish and Tamil. Studies: M.A. and Ph. D. from Rome, research in psychology and religion at Oxford University, post-doctoral visiting scholar at Harvard University and Boston College. Also an Author/editor of both academic and best-selling books (including University textbooks) and hundreds of articles; enjoys friendships, jokes and cartooning. E-mail: [email protected]