By Lorraine & Leon Bent
Count yourself blessed, dear Marriage Encountered Couples, because you have within your grasp one easy secret to a healthy-leading-to-a-great, marriage: Affirmation! Take complete control of it. We will keep our Sharing succinct as we offer you this golden nugget of relational wisdom.
What is Affirmation? It is emotional support, recognition or encouragement from a spousal other, or others, in general. It enriches emotional connection and is verbal and non-verbal enhancement; an exuberant, buoyant, nourishing and powerful tool for emotional bonding.
LORRAINE: Congratulations, Le! You have mastered the art of word-craftsmanship. Your writing has depth and a rich free-flowing style, which captivates the mind and heart of the reader. You have also fulfilled your childhood dream of being an Editor, indulging in research and much more!
LEON: Oh! I’m floating in mid-air, LO! Thanks! You have made me feel good about myself, more “lovable”; you have subtly reinforced my “self-esteem.” Our intimacy has been intensified, and made inspirational in the process.
LORRAINE: To me it just seems a mystery! Each time I prepare a meal, I seek your approval and you, for the past thirty-nine years, have generously offered it to me. It’s invariably: Wow! Excellent! Too good! Perfect! Delicious! Absolutely titillating to my palate! Ambrosial!
I feel elated, light and bouncy and self-assured when you label me a cook extraordinaire! Par Excellence! I am on Cloud 9 when you praise me in public – saying, “despite being a Goan, you cook Pork Vindial (Vindaloo) better than most East Indians do”. Leon, this delicate push not only powers me on but builds our oneness as well!
LEON: My Sweetie-girl, in the infancy of our wedlock, when I faced the blues and was low on confidence because of my frustrating and embarrassing stammering, you assured and re-assured me that, the handicap does not bother you one bit and you loved me more because of it. You opened for me, the floodgates of unstinted unconditional love. I feel blessed.
LORRAINE: Affirmation is extended when you allow me to make “routine” (English Language) and other mistakes (certainly not costly ones that can destroy our relationship), knowing that I can learn from them. This is a rock solid sign of you being ‘rooted and grounded in love’ with a glowing self-image. You overlook the flaws, warts and all, in favour of the ‘gold spot’ in me.
LEON: You forever allow me the freedom to tinker at my laptop keys and read avidly for hours on end. In the process I have become a prolific writer. Your “golden silence” and “unstinted, unseen prodding” tells me how precious and irreplaceable I am to you, as long as my palpable presence cocoons you. This freedom, is autonomy”, indeed! Autonomy calls for “listening to two lives, two heartbeats” – “stereophonic or heart-to-heart, loving awareness.” This magnanimous quality in you has taken our mutual love several notches higher and helped me flower as an individual.
LORRAINE: As I walk down memory lane, I relish the times you respected me as a “woman” when I was menstruating – you gave me space; when I was a potential “mother” (fertile period) – you allowed us to practise NFP, yet, satisfied my need for intimacy – the divinely implanted desire for procreation – by refraining from intercourse, nevertheless, being tender and showering me with love; and, finally, during my infertile period (safe days), you affirmed me as your dearly beloved “wife”, by being a lover to the fullest extent possible, culminating in safe and relaxed intercourse. Yes, LO, those were the days of ‘trial by fire’ with the promise of restoration a hundred-fold.
LEON: Lo girlie! I have often tried to change you over the years, to no avail! I realized in time that I can only become the change I seek so desperately in you. This is an extremely important angle to affirmation! I always try to keep this in the forefront of my consciousness. It allows us to walk hand-in-hand, Sweetie, into the sunset with serene, calm, peaceful steps – not criticism, ridicule and condemnation!
LORRAINE: May I give the finishing touches to the piece? LE, we have experienced a thousand melting moments: a warm embrace, a comforting hand, a gentle word, a tender, approving glance, a caring gesture, a kind word; I have often cradling your head between my silent comforting hands during your illnesses. We have perennially touched one another in ways that are respectful, reverential and compassionate. The all-powerful touch satisfies my “skin hunger” because it is affirming, like full-bodied, all-over, genuine hugging! Indeed, the lightest caress has made intimate presence come alive in our couple love. Thank you for putting your arm around me, each and every single night, without fail, as I fall asleep. Sometimes in forgiveness or in seeking forgiveness, sometimes in healing, but always with fireside warmth! Awesome!
LEON: May I conclude? Affirmation energizes the four basic “Needs” of a person: Love, Self-Worth, a Sense of Belonging and Autonomy! By constantly empowering me, LO, you have helped me live out these four essential ingredients of a great marriage! You have kept me from wearing “Masks,” by allowing me to encounter myself honestly! May I name the Marriage Encounter foundation for Affirmation, even as we try to imbibe them? These essential components are, in fact, the four aspects of “sexuality!” They are Presence, Availability, Gentleness and Tenderness. For you and I!
LO, they are a springboard for Affirmation to bloom and grow with spontaneity. We have worked hard and endlessly on these vital points, so that, our wedlock has “roots in heaven, and flowers on earth!” Wow!
LORRAINE: I would like to have the last word, LE? Certainly! Affirmation is not boasting about one’s goodness as a marital partner or person. Rather, it is letting the spouse know how good s/he is as a vowed lover. Affirmation is pointing to the “fire” in our nuptial partner’s heart, not trumpeting our own glory! Your solidarity has given me the courage to grasp Scripture and conduct Classes fluently and without apprehension, as a Minister of the Word. Thanks a million!
LEON: I would like to share with you the most inspirational reason why Matrimony can never fail: It is always because of divine inspiration and divine intervention, as Karl Barth says, “We are unworthy, nevertheless, God accepts us.” Mull over Thomas Merton’s wisdom with reference to God, which can also be applied to married couples: “Our love is a need, His is a Gift!” God loves us not because we are good, but because He is good. Nuptial lovers, too, must learn to love not because the other is amiable, but even when our spouse is unlovable, and steps on our corns. Spouses must learn to love because they have the spiritual resources to love. Like a fountain pure love overflows onto the other, certainly not because the other is worthy or unworthy of our love.
Lorraine and Leon: God bless all married lovers! May they conform to Jesus’ oneness with the Father in John 17:21…”that they may all be one!”
Lorraine and Leon Bent have been an integral part of Marriage Encounter, India, for the past 36 years. They have been “Team Couple,” Unit-Coordinators for Mumbai and “Editor Couple” for ME’s Newsletter (India) for 10 years.