By Chris D’Souza –
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” – Jim Valvano
How would you respond when your six-year old child presents you with a drawing of what looks like a winged elephant running on wheels and blowing bubbles? Try these.
a) What on earth have you drawn, David?
b) Hmm, nice but whatever is this funny looking thing?
c) Hey, this looks interesting son! Tell me more about it!
If you chose a) you’ve a long way to travel in your affirming journey.
If you chose b) good, but remember children don’t have an adult mind-set yet; you still need to learn how to enter into their world.
If you chose c) thumbs up! You’re doing great, dad!
Let me be honest here: at times I’ve gone with option b or even a.
The quest for affirmation has been around ever since the beginning of time. Every human being yearns for it. Life becomes significant when you and I feel we are accepted and that we ‘belong’. The little child pushing his ball across the floor looks up to his parents for that nod of approval. Parents are the first and primary sources of affirmation for a young child. So powerful is this need for affirmation that a child deprived of attention will go to any length to gain it, whether it means throwing a tantrum or exhibiting hyperactivity – just about anything will be done to receive attention. As the child grows, this deprivation could manifest itself in more subtle ways …and going to any length to gain friendships or trying to find ways to be at the centre of attention.
Adequate affirmation results in a strong sense of self-worth in the child. Children with the most confidence are the ones who have been accepted, affirmed and encouraged.
If affirmation is so vital to the development of a child, are we sufficiently investing in it and are we affirming our children the right way?
What is the basis for genuine affirmation? Affirmation ultimately draws its basis from the biblical perspective of God’s unconditional love – for us. There is no deeper source or summit of affirmation.
Let’s take a look some pre-requisites and ways to healthy affirmation:
- Watch the health of your relationship with your spouse! The foundation for strong self-image in a child is dependent on the love relationship between the parents. If the parents relate well with each other, their love is passed on to the child as a sense of contentment and security.
- Recall your own experience: The capacity to affirm depends on the extent to which I myself have been affirmed in my own family. If I have not received sufficient affirmation, I will find it difficult to affirm my child. But does that mean that my child will have to go through life without affirmation? Not necessarily. When God is brought into a relationship, all things become possible. Through the person of Christ, we are loved and affirmed by the Father. This experience more than makes up for any lack of affirmation in our own lives. It also keeps us from hiding behind excuses about our inability to love and affirm. However, this doesn’t mean that we have it all laid out for us or that we has nothing to learn. That’s the beautiful paradox of grace working with effort.
- Listen!
Do we take time to listen to our children? Allowing your child to speak isn’t about playing down your authority. It’s about giving the child space – space to think, express and feel understood. It brings the parent and the child onto the same page. Taking it deeper, we need to get into the shoes of our child and understand the feelings involved. Stephen Covey was alluding to this when he spoke about ‘empathic listening’ which is an acid test of love and acceptance. When children feel understood, they begin to feel accepted. I admit I haven’t always been a good listener to David. I however do try my best – whether it means listening to one of the battles of World War II, maybe how Lewandowski scores a goal, how a Boeing 747 is different from an Airbus A320, or just patiently hearing about what happened at school today. I try to lay aside all filters or attempts to determine how trivial the subject may be. Needless to say, I do not find it easy. Active listening takes time, concentration and effort.
- Accept and delight in your child’s personality: To begin with, we need to understand our child’s temperament and unique traits. Thank God for them! Every child is unique and beautiful and so is yours! You might want to invest in a personality assessment to help understand and appreciate your child’s unique traits and strengths. A valuable book in to help you learn to appreciate your child’s uniqueness is ‘Delight in your Child’s Design’ by Laurie Winslow Sargant.
- Avoid negative labelling: I’ve heard parents tell their children, “You’re a good-for-nothing!” or “You’re plain stupid, unlike your sister!” These are extremely damaging to the self- image of the child. The line of reasoning goes like this… ‘After all, if dad or mum sees me as not good enough, I must be pretty useless’.
- Encourage independence: Allowing children to do small tasks independently (we might initially see a few clumsy efforts) allows them to build self-confidence and responsibility. This will go a long way in building independence in the child.
- Spot the good and use words of affirmation! Timely compliments and encouragement build up the self-esteem of children. Maybe your child spilled some milk while trying to pour it out. You can either appreciate the intention and effort (while offering her a tip on how to do better next time) or get mad at the mess and yell at her. Your response will make or mar her self-image and level of confidence.. To quote Dr. Ken Blanchard, “Catch them doing things right!” Even a simple “That was a great attempt!!” goes a long way in building up the confidence of the child.
Like it or not, there are no shortcuts to affirming our children. However, once we develop the practice of regularly affirming them, we will begin to see positive results in terms of their self-image and resulting confidence.
Here are some words of affirmation that we can use to supplement our acts of love and self-giving:
- I am so proud of you!
- You are smart/brave/creative/beautiful.
- I will always be here for you, no matter what.
- No matter what happens, you can always come to me and share your problem.
- Nice try, I’m sure you’ll succeed next time!
- You are very good at _________.
- I love you! / Mum and I love you!
Reflect: In my own growing up years, did I experience words and actions of affirmation? If so how did it make me feel? If not, how that make me feel?__________
Reach out: List 2 ways I plan to affirm each of my children.
The book ‘Good Fathers to Great Dads’ by Chris D’Souza and Adrian Stevens was released by Archbishop Bernard Moras on June 16th, 2016 in Bangalore. To order copies contact: [email protected]
ICM brings you excerpts from a chapter each month to encourage you on your own fatherhood journey!
Chris D’Souza is Director at Lead Strategic Development and he specializes in Talent Consulting, Leadership Training, Executive and Life Coaching. He lives in Bangalore with his wife Jennifer and son David. He can be contacted at [email protected]