By Jennifer and Chris D’Souza –
Let’s ask you a question – did God put you and your spouse together? First take a few moments and discuss that with your spouse.
What did you arrive at? Well, most of you might have said yes and some are perhaps unsure. The next question that follows is, if God has put us together and we have pledged to live in union and love each other, why then do we have so much difficulty with our differences? How the kids should be disciplined, what should be the way we spend on entertainment, maybe even the stumbling blocks of irritating mannerisms and habits of the other…
When we fall in love, we often adore our differences. She loves the way he stirs his tea. There’s something special about the way she munches her cake. Years down the road, the very same mannerisms once adored now become areas of annoyance. Ever wonder why this happens? It seems like we forget some important truths about marriage and individuality.
Very often we wonder why our spouse behaves differently than we do. Perhaps you pride yourself on being extremely organized and methodical. You’ve been complimented on it several times and besides, it helps you be organized. Your spouse is less organized. Things lie all about the house. It irritates you. Why can’t he/she change? You find that your fastidious preoccupation with being organized is now getting in the way of your relationship because that’s beginning to cloud out all your spouse’s strengths and good points. You are task-oriented, able to plan and execute a task flawlessly. Great going! Your spouse is relationship-oriented and has a way with people – making friends, exploring creative ways to help you with your business …. a different set of strengths. Do you value those strengths? Do you see you probably don’t have those strengths? “Yes, perhaps. But why can’t he or she realize the value of being organized?” Well, it takes insight and effort to understand the other…
First, let’s realize that God created us different – male and female. This was to complement each other in every way – physical, emotional and mental make-up. Further, each of us has differences in personality. When we don’t realize this aspect or lose sight of it, we tend to create rigid expectations of the other. What if both of you were good at housekeeping and there wasn’t anyone to take care of external chores? Saint Paul’s analogy of the body of Christ with many parts in 1 Cor. 12 is so apt even for the marriage relationship or for that matter even for corporate teams working together.
Next, it’s good to realize that very often we are attracted (and God is part of that plan if we let Him be) to each other to complement the other. That’s why we often see that a talkative person is potentially drawn to a quiet reserved spouse. Differences are meant to complement each other.
Lastly, it is helpful to remember that each of us comes into marriage with different childhood experiences, levels of education, expectations and often some amount of baggage that needs to be dropped. None of us walks into marriage as a perfectly whole person.
Since God has the bigger plan in mind, we need to realize that our partner is gifted to us to help him/her grow and perhaps even heal some of his/her psyche that needs healing. The beautiful result is that we are growing together to complete (not compete with) each other and are being transformed into the people God expects us to be! Are we ready for the journey of understanding and complementing each other?
Here are a few tips to help get you get started on your journey:
• Communicate. Gently explain why you do certain things the way you do them; say like being extremely organized. After hearing you out, chances are, your spouse will stretch a bit to become a little more organized.
• Take a personality assessment. There are several popular assessments that help you understand your personality and how you can use your strengths to succeed. However, rather than let the results of the assessment box you into thinking you can’t be flexible, let them help you understand your personality in terms of its primary leanings. It will also help you understand why your spouse has a different make up.
• Compromise where appropriate. We are not called to compromise on our faith and values. But when it comes to who will pick up the kids, or how many times a month we will go out for dinner, well there’s plenty of room for adjustment. If we have agreed on broader perspectives, we will find the way to adjust on little issues.
• Relax your high standards. When we begin to realize that we ourselves struggle with our expectations of ourselves, we will understand that we need to lower standards when it comes to our spouse. And well, when needed, just forgive.
• Learn to appreciate the strengths of your partner. Compliment him when he excels with his ability to organize. Appreciate when she has deftly managed a difficult conversation.
• Weld your strengths together. When you do this, you will realize that as a unit you have more strength than if each of you went it alone.
• Pray together- to be able to understand and love each other as you are. Pray also to stretch enough to be able to reasonably accommodate the other’s expectations. And remember, God is eager to help!
Jennifer and Chris D’Souza live in Bangalore their son David. Jennifer is a Counsellor and Corporate Trainer. Chris specializes in Leadership Development, Talent Consulting and Life Coaching. Together, they conduct enrichment workshops and seminars both for family as well as religious groups. They can be contacted at [email protected]