Sch. Emmanuel Akilan SJ –
What kept me going during the darkest times of my life was only a glimmer of hope. Bedridden and hospitalized, I found myself gazing at the ceiling fan, wondering what it truly meant to be a religious when one is left all alone. I was broken, devastated, and crushed in spirit, as the seconds felt like months and the minutes like years. Despite years of religious formation, spiritual talks, and meditations on sickness and suffering, nothing could have prepared me for the desolation I experienced. Day after day, people would come to offer words of hope and support, but they fell on deaf ears. Friends and relatives made their visits, but in the end, it was I who bore the pain of loneliness.
The Struggle of the Consecrated
As a vowed person, I came to deeply understand the anguish that the elderly consecrated often undergo during their infirmities. We religious may form ourselves in many aspects, but the importance we give to our physical well-being often slips down the lane. It was only after paying a heavy price of immense suffering and pain that I truly grasped the real significance of physical health.
The Power of Hope
Throughout this journey of unspoken pain, it was the glimmer of hope that kept me alive. Sleepless nights, painful days, tears rolling down my cheeks, and silent suffering – all of it still echoes in my memories. Yet, those around me continued to boost me with positivity, feed me with encouraging words, and make me hopeful. It was a fight of “Hope against Hope.”
Embracing the Darkness
As I reflect on this experience, I am reminded of the words of Mother Teresa, who also experienced her own dark days and nights. Each one of us will face such challenges in one way or another. The question is, how will we choose to respond? Dark times can either break us or make us. It is in our hands to decide how we will navigate the darkness. Will we succumb to the despair, or will we cling to the hope that lies within?
A Call to Action
As I wind up this reflection, I can only strongly suggest one thing: never lose hope, even in the darkest of times. It is the beacon that will guide us through the storm, the light that will illuminate the path ahead. So, let us embrace the challenges we face, knowing that they are opportunities for growth and transformation. Let us nurture the hope within, and let it be the driving force that propels us forward, even in the face of adversity. For it is in the darkest hour that the dawn of a new day begins to emerge.
Jesuits are basically individualistic.No body cares for others in community.I pleaded for Ashram apostolate to foster inter religious dialogue after the priest Fr.A.T.Thomas of Hazaribag Province who baptised me was beheaded.My petition was dismissed and termed as an individualistic apostolate by my Jesuit Provincial Fr.Gaudentius Kongari.Few Jesuits stood by me but no one could counteract Provincial as having taken the vows of obedience..No wonder sick religious feel lonliness.
This lead me to leave the Jesuit Order.
Beautiful reflection-many thanks for the write-up.