By Chris D’Souza –
Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating…too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.” – John Wooden, Coach
Your son rushes into the room pumping his arms, thumping his chest, yelling, “I’m a superhero!” You look up from your work, amused at first and then turn a bit thoughtful… All of us need someone to look up to. And every child continually scans the environment for someone to emulate. No prizes for guessing who the nearest superhero for the little fellow to follow is… You may not think of yourself as particularly successful, wealthy or influential. You may not have made it big in life. Maybe life has beaten you down and others don’t think much of you. Consequently, you don’t think much of yourself either. However, remember, your child thinks the world of you. Not because you are perfect, but because you are the indispensable dad in his/her life.
Remember the time you walked out of the theatre after watching a Jackie Chan movie? Recall the measured stride, the confident disposition and the ready-to-take-on-the-world attitude? Adrenalin wasn’t in short supply and you felt a sense of awe watching Jackie take on the bad guys. He seemed to be a real superhero. But think of it – do we exert as much influence on our children as some distant martial arts stuntman?
In “God on the Streets of Gotham: What the Big Screen Batman Can Teach Us about God and Ourselves”, Paul Asay uses the appeal of the secular superhero patrolling the streets of Gotham City to create opportunities to talk about the redemptive spiritual truths of Christianity. At one point, he confesses, “Forget Batman: when I really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be my dad.” Such is the need to be able to look up to and follow one’s own dad as a role model!
Vatican II puts it this way ‘The family is a kind of school of deeper humanity. But if it is to achieve the full flowering of its life and mission, it needs the kindly communion of minds and the joint deliberation of spouses, as well as the painstaking cooperation of parents in the education of their children. The active presence of the father is highly beneficial to their formation’ Gaudium et Spes, para 52
It kind of boils down to this: the image of God that your child will pick up depends most of all on how they see you!
With such a responsibility and challenge to live up to, one may ask, “Is it ok for a dad to be an example, when the kids are around but relax standards otherwise?”
There are some parents who make sure they are careful to act decently in front of the kids. “Look honey, the kids are watching!” and they reserve sloppy behaviour for later on. However, kids are smarter than we think. The product of such a school of learning would be a kid who behaves well in front of the authority to be respected and who cuts loose when no one is watching.
You may ask “I may not be a perfect role model; but why shouldn’t I demand top excellent behaviour from my child ”? You can. But it doesn’t work in the long run.
Let’s respond to this with a personal illustration: A couple of years ago, after an awards evening, I came home with a Certificate of Excellence for high performance at work. Proudly flashing it at my wife – who immediately congratulated me, I then tossed it at my son, hoping to elicit some ‘I-want-to-be-like-daddy’ type of response. David looked at it from the corner of his eye, read the title and flatly remarked, “Excellence, is it?! What about your behaviour at home?” Dumbfounded, I tried to recollect what aspect of my behaviour he was alluding to. He then reminded me ‘Dad, have you kept your promise to play football with me every week?” It gradually dawned on me – yes, it had been 2-3 weeks since I’d played with him. After all, during that time, I had been busy with office appraisals all week and right through the weekend too. Laying aside the logic of excuse making, I resolved to keep up my promise of our planned playtime. We have mostly kept up our weekly play time ever since.
If I’m not walking the talk, he loses his trust in and respect for me. No amount of authoritarianism will be truly effective without example.
Finally, lets us reflect on the words of Pope John Paul II in his Apostolic Exhortation ‘Familaris Consortio’. He explains that even as we become parents, we are endowed with a new responsibility and grace, “When they become parents, spouses receive from God the gift of a new responsibility. Their parental love is called to become for the children the visible sign of the very love of God, ‘from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named’ ”. Familiaris Consortio, para 14
Inspire yourself: Listen to poignant song ‘I want to be just like you’ by Philips, Craig and Dean available on youtube. After listening, make your own prayer to God.
Reflect: List two ways you can improve you relationship with your child(ren) just by being a better role model
The book ‘Good Fathers to Great Dads’ by Chris D’Souza and Adrian Stevens was released by Bangalore Archbishop Bernard Moras on June 16th, 2016 in Bangalore. To order copies contact: [email protected]
ICM brings you excerpts from a chapter each month to encourage you on your own fatherhood journey!
Chris D’Souza is Director at Lead Strategic Development and he specializes in Talent Consulting, Leadership Training, Executive and Life Coaching. He lives in Bangalore with his wife Jennifer and son David. He can be contacted at [email protected]