Courtesy: Magnet –
By Janina Gomes –
Most speak of a vocation as one of being a religious sister or a priest. In my case, I have a vocation to be a single person in this world. From the beginning I decided not to be called and derided as a spinster- someone turned sour because I could not marry. But, I have led a fulfilled life, despite having to overcome formidable obstacles, some posed by my own health, others posed by circumstances and still others by other people.
When I was young and not so experienced, I was drawn towards a contemplative way of life. During my college days, I even made a few trips to the cloistered Carmel convent on top of a hill in Andheri, along with a companion who was also drawn to that way of life. Neither of us ended up joining them.
As the years passed, I realized that such a rigorous way of life and spirituality was not meant for me, much as I enjoyed reading Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross. I had grand notions that were only the dreams of an adolescent still exploring the world.
As I was academically inclined, I did my B.A. and M.A. in Philosophy from Bombay University. After that I had a stint at Comparative Religion and International Relations. The two seemed far apart till I went on in years and realized the interconnections between what seemed disparate disciplines of study.
I was to make another swing in my life. This time I became an active journalist- immature no doubt and not versed in the dangerous nature of politics and the vested interests that would prevent any kind of social transformation that would result in a more equitable society.
Those were days of pain and trial, training and exploring the world- at first with a trip to the U.N. as an intern, then working for two months on an exchange programme with the Community Relations Council in England. Training still later as a journalist in Paris, exposed me to other dimensions of life and living.
As I developed my skills as a journalist by working with news magazines and in charge of publications for various chambers of commerce, I began to feel a stirring within me that my vocation, what God was calling me to be was a communicator.
There is no communication without a message. So I began to read the scriptures and enroll for courses in theology and scriptures, soaking in as much as I could. Since I was engaged in economic journalism and trade and finance, my outlook on life became more secular, but that was accompanied by a deeper sense of the religious.
That was when I was in a sense compelled to search for deeper meanings in life and all that I did. Surely, life cannot be all writing, but it was for me the highest expression of the meaning I found in life. That was what resulted in my writing a book called “A Search for Meaning”, a collection of short articles which I had written over the years, trying to make sense of my experiences.
For many years, God was on the periphery of my consciousness. To make a shift from the periphery to the centre was a slow process. Integrating all the experiences of life became a quest in which God was now at the centre.
My calling then became to share my struggles, doubts, resentments, my failures and failings, my successes and my dreams with others. That is what has inspired me to write.
It is now almost 20 years that I have been writing for The Speaking Tree column in The Times of India. That turned out to be part of my dream to communicate to others the Jesus who has been so misunderstood in the outside world. I began to write for The New Leader, where I found my way of looking at things, echoed in the writings of many others.
For a brief while I also wrote for the National Catholic Reporter in the USA, trying to bring Eastern thought, not known well enough in the international arena to the attention of the Western world and Western thinkers.
So, now I can say that my vocation has become to be a writer who really communicates. That is why I shy away from abstractions and write about practical experiences from which I draw what one could call general and universal applications.
A real turning point in my life was not when I had scaled the heights, but when I was ill, alone and in a sense abandoned by those who I thought were friends. Adversity was my biggest teacher in life. I struggled for some years looking after an ailing and old mother. That struggle taught me that I was not self sufficient. I who had always had inner resources coming to the rescue, was now helpless and had to be taken care of by a caring sister, who was my rock in distress.
That is what brought depth, height and width to my relationship with God- to realize my utter nothingness in his sight. I also learned simultaneously that I was precious in God’s eyes and that not a hair on my head would fall without his fore knowledge.
To be valued and loved is a very human longing. I needed to be reinstated by a forgiving and caring community, which I gradually discovered. In this case, it was a shift of locale to a place that was open to all – it was a senior citizens residence and also a hostel for working girls at the YWCA. I found here that people were more open and more in touch with the wider reality.
It was then that I asked myself- “Who is the God you seek”. Is he the Jesus that some people falsely project or the real Jesus whom you will find in every heart that is made for God?
There often from my Protestant counterparts, I learned the value of personal and individual prayer- raising up all circumstances to God and his guidance. The journey, my life’s journey became an opening to what was most universal. I realized then that God is not the monopoly of a small community or one set of believers. He is the God of all.
Today, I am thankful for all the people that Providence sent my way. No, there was nothing accidental about it. It was the Spirit that was guiding me, the same Spirit that hovered over the waters and breathed over all creation.
That makes my vocation something much wider than what people would have me believe. I made that crucial shift from being exclusive to being inclusive at the YWCA. For that gift and grace of God I am truly grateful. It was then that I discovered that my real call was and is to be a real human being, authentic and genuine, compassionate and kind, to be just myself without any deception or duplicity. I am still challenged often, but have not buckled under pressure. It is God who has kept me going and will to the end.
Janina Gomes is a freelance writer who contributes to both the secular and religious press. She has a varied background – from journalism in mainstream papers to experience working with Chambers of Commerce. She has also authored seven books which include two prayer books.