By Chris D’Souza –
Dad, in preparation for this Father’s Day, would you like to do a small exercise? Pick up a piece of paper and spend ten minutes reflecting on the number of roles you play in the life of your child? What did you come up with? Provider, guide, discipliner, playmate..? The list seems to be increasing day by day!
The advent of globalization and its resulting economic and social changes have put a question mark in front of the traditional roles that parents used to play. Traditionally, fathers were the designated breadwinners and problem-solvers of the family. Nowadays, the socio-cultural fabric has taken a different form giving dads a wider range of roles to work with. According to the Boston College Centre for Work and Family, in 2011, more than two thirds of dads believed that they were providing for their families physically, financially as well as emotionally. In fact, less than 5% of fathers felt their role was purely that of the breadwinner. In general, the 21st-century dad seems to be hands-on with his kids, providing for and nurturing them almost as much as their mothers do.
Having acknowledged this change in trend and the many positives that result from the dad being hands-on, we cannot automatically assume that the roles of the father and mother are completely interchangeable. Considering the anthropological foundation for masculinity and femininity, there is a distinct diversity and mutual complementarity present in the identity of man and woman. Each is different, yet completes the other. Each parent brings to the table an amazing gender-based uniqueness designed by God Himself. The collaboration of both parents produces a synergy that helps the family fulfill its mission.
Though the contribution of each parent is unique, the social fabric of our contemporary world has thrown up opportunities for certain roles to be interchangeable. There are several roles, such as Teacher, Guide or the Provider, that overlap and that can be played by both the dad and mum. Consequently, several couples have chosen to share, for example, the breadwinner role either due to the nature of job opportunities or financial pressures or pure physical constraint. A crippled dad may not be able to work and earn for the family. Even when men cannot serve as the primary breadwinners in their families, modern couples need to recognize that fathers’ contributions to their children’s upbringing extend well beyond finances.
Once we acknowledge and appreciate the uniqueness and resulting contribution of each gender, we are able to realistically identify and play roles that may overlap.
Many dads now have newfound roles and tasks such as baby-sitting, grocery shopping, cooking and even the full time home maker! And to our credit, let’s say, most dads are adapting quite well. Whatever be the stand of a family on the breadwinning responsibility, the main challenges that a dad who wants to take his parenting role seriously will contend with are: how does he identify all the parenting roles he needs to play? After recognizing the roles, how does he context-switch between them?
At the heart of understanding our role to be played, there is a responsibility accorded and need being addressed. Responsibility is linked with the needs of the child.
Roles could take a different form as the child grows, e.g., the role of dad as teacher would eventually transition into dad as guide or mentor. However the responsibility of imparting knowledge will remain. If your 5 year old came home from school saying he likes a girl in his class, you would probably take on the role of a teacher to explain to him that it is normal to like a female classmate. However, if your 25 year old came back from work with the same ‘like’, you might want to assume the role of a guide or coach as he strategizes his next move.
Needs driven approach
If you looked at your child’s body, what needs would you see? I guess you would see the need for clothes, food, etc. Pause for a few minutes and in your imagination include a body, a mind and a spirit. Now, how does your perception of your child’s needs open up?
To better identify and understand our roles, let’s do another small exercise:
List down the various NEEDS of your child. Against each one identify your corresponding ROLE and ACTIVITES associated with the ROLE. Then put in the time you actually invest in your child. Note the insights that come up for you.
| Need | Role | Corresponding Activities. | Time invested each week |
| Clothing, Food | Provider | 1.
2. |
|
| Learning/ Knowledge | Teacher/ Guide | .. | |
| <Identify more roles based on your own insights..> | … |
The next challenge would be to be able to understand the art of switching between different roles. At times this can be very challenging, almost like switching different hats. The challenge is to keep it authentic, not legalistic or artificial. For those of you who are exposed to leadership concepts – do you think the Situational Leadership model of Ken Blanchard and Paul Hersey is relevant in the life of a dad? Write back to me at [email protected]. I’d be happy to hear from you!
Finally, whatever be our challenges in our journey as dads, we can take inspiration from St. Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. He had a full time job as a carpenter (Mt. 13:55) and strove to provide for their material needs. He was a man of faith (Mt. 1:20-25) where he carries out the request made by the angel. He was a responsible citizen, obeying legitimate authority by travelling to register his family (Lk. 2:4). He took care of them despite challenges (Lk. 2:7) in finding a place to stay at the time of Jesus’s birth. Again to protect their child, he had to flee to Egypt (Mt. 2: 13-14). Finally, he was instrumental in bringing up Jesus holistically in wisdom (mind and spirit) and stature (body) – Lk 2:52. In all these challenges, he leveraged faith and exercised it in action in all the roles he played, in the very situations he found himself placed in.
The book ‘Good Fathers to Great Dads’ by Chris D’Souza and Adrian Stevens was released by Archbishop Emeritus Bernard Moras on June 16th, 2016 in Bangalore. To order copies contact: [email protected]
ICM brings you excerpts from a chapter each month to encourage you on your own fatherhood journey!
Chris D’Souza is Director at Lead Strategic Development and he specializes in Talent Consulting, Leadership Training, Executive and Life Coaching. He lives in Bangalore with his wife Jennifer and son David. He can be contacted at [email protected]