By Fr. Sundar Wilson, OFM –
Newly married couples are blissfully in love and thrilled to be on their honeymoon. Very soon they are into argument. This puts them on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. By the end of the first year of marriage, both are convinced that they not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage. Gradually, instead of expressing emotions in a healthy way couples resort to hurting each other with words. Instead of building each other up, they tear each other down, thus causing deep, emotional pain. They hurt each other so much that they see no hope for ever communicating well. The despair becomes overwhelming. Such couples can learn about intentional communication. Here are some of the tools that can help couples transform their marriage.
1. Acknowledge
When problems arise, acknowledge that you are part of the problem. Take responsibility for your own words, emotions, actions, and reactions. Don’t justify them by blaming them on your spouse.
“All must test their own work; then that work, rather than their neighbour’s work, will become a cause for pride.” – Galatians 6:4-5
2. Be open for change
Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and be willing to go with his/her perspective and suggestions. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife and vice versa.
“When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, Do you want to be made well?” – John 5:6
3. Practice Empathy
Empathy is accurately identifying the feelings and experiences of your spouse. You demonstrate empathy when you communicate an understanding of your partner’s feelings in a particular situation. Try to understand your spouse’s viewpoint. He or she wants to be heard and understand. When you and your spouse meet these needs, the result is more healthy communication patterns, greater intimacy, and a higher level of marital satisfaction.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” – Romans 12:15.
4. Clear Self-expression
Many assume that their partner knows their needs, feelings, and opinions even though they have never actually been verbalised. If you expect your partner to read your mindset, both of you are up for negative results—hurt, disappointment, misunderstandings. State your thoughts as clearly, honestly, and positively as you can. Don’t avoid talking about something because you are afraid of what your partner will think. Focus on how something is affecting you. Try not to blame or criticize your partner while you are expressing yourself.
“But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” – Ephesians 4:15
5. Have appropriate Body Language
Good communication is more about body language than actual words. You can shut down your spouse by sending the clear message by your body language that you are not interested, that you are bored, angry, or have to quit listening. Examples: Crossed arms, angry glares, tone of voice, blank stare, rolling eyes, lack of eye contact, turning your back to your spouse. Make sure that your facial expressions, body language, and the tone of your voice reflect what you are saying. As you develop an awareness of the signs and symbols of body language, you can better understand your spouse, and communicate more effectively with him or her. At the same time, your body language reveals your feelings and meanings to your spouse.
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise rebuke to a listening ear.” – Proverbs 25:11-12.
6. Don’t dump your garbage on your spouse.
Express negative feelings constructively. There will be times when you feel bitterness, resentment, disappointment or disapproval. These feelings need to be communicated in order for change to occur. BUT how you express these thoughts is critical. “I am really disappointed that you are working late again tonight,” is very different from, “You clearly do not care one whit about me or the kids. If you did, you would not work late every night.”
“Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil.” – Ephesians 4:26-27
7. Listen without being defensive
For a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be able to hear each other’s complaints without getting defensive. This is much harder than learning how to express negative feelings effectively.
“You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.” – James 1:19-20
8. Do not keep bringing up old negative memories.
When a couple is consumed with negativity, it not only affects their past but it can put their future in danger. In almost all cases there are very good and happy memories in every relationship, but if the spouses are so negative that they can’t remember the good times they had, their relationship is deteriorating.
“Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old.” – Isaiah 43:18
9. Focus on the positive instead of the negative.
Freely express positive feelings. Most people are quicker to express negative feelings than positive ones. It is vital to the health of your marriage that you affirm your spouse. Positive feelings such as appreciation, affection, respect, admiration, approval, and warmth expressed to your spouse are like making deposits into your love account. You should have five positive deposits for every one negative. If your compliments exceed your complaints, your spouse will pay attention to your grievances. If your complaints exceed your compliments, your criticism will fall on deaf ears.
“Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” – Philippians 4:8
10. Speak with kindness and gentleness
When something is bothering you, bring it up gently and without blame. Be aware of the tone used when communicating problems. A mutually respectful tone – one that is neither passive nor aggressive – goes a long way in starting a productive dialogue.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1
11. Using “I” Messages
Try to own your feelings, by using “I” statements when communicating (e.g., I feel, I need, I want). “I” messages are very different from a “you” message. “You” messages blame and judge the other person on his/her behaviour. “You” messages often trigger defensiveness or hostility towards your partner and tend to increase conflict.
“The mind of the wise makes their speech judicious, and adds persuasiveness to their lips.” – Proverbs 16:23
12. Use humour
Levity can go a long way when used at the right time. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of negativity, try to lighten things up with some humour or silly behaviour. This can sometimes snap a couple out of an anger trance. Like other strategies, it’s important to be thoughtful about how and when to use humour, so that your significant other doesn’t feel that his/her concerns are being trivialized.
“A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22
13. Seek first to understand rather than being understood
When in conflict, one wants to be understood. How many times have you heard, “you just don’t understand what I’m saying!” Of course, healthy relationships do involve understanding one another, but rather than emphasizing your own desire to be heard, try changing your focus to putting attention on understanding the other. This can really shift the relational dynamic and pave the way for more open and fresh communication.
“In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.” – Matthew 7:12
14. Be ready to forgive
Let your partner know that you understand his/her point of view by validating it. It may sound obvious, but don’t forget to take responsibility for what you’ve done and apologize if necessary.
“Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:32
15. Spend quality time together
Spending time together, as quality time, is important to nurture your relationship. So, take interest in what your spouse does, and take the opportunity to spend enjoyable time together. You also need time to discuss issues or problems in your relationship. But this should not be a time for blaming, but for finding common solutions to enhance your relationship.
“Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24
16. Pray continually.
Take a few moments to listen to God, express your concerns to Him and ask Him to help you reflect His relational ideas in your marriage.
“Then Jesus told them a parable about their need to pray always and not to lose heart.” – Luke 18:1