By Susanna D –
A couple of months ago I was going through one of those self-pity days, where it seems as if being single was the single most unfair fact of any person’s existence (never mind terminal illnesses, deaths of loved ones, mental illness, or financial struggles).
I started complaining to the Lord, which is what I do, when I’m in a bad mood. “I have to do so much of travelling, up and down, dragging my heavy bags along, ALL ALONE. Couples are always looking out for each other. One can watch the bags while the other one goes to the loo. I have to drag all my bags into the stall with me.”
“If someone is mean or annoying or upsetting or unfair, couples always have someone they can unload to, someone who is on their side no matter what.”
“Couples always know there is someone who has their back. They know that no matter how their day goes, they go home to ‘their person’, who will sympathize and listen to them talk about the same stuff over and over again.”
“And what about my future? I have to think about my future, make plans, and even dreams ALL ALONE. Couples get to do it together! They get to plan out their life as a team! What about ME? Where’s MY person?”
I was practically in tears at this point, having convinced myself that wow, my life really did suck, and I was the most deprived and pitiable wretch that ever did live. I gazed into the future and it seemed bleak, a solitary figure plodding along, with no hope or joy or companionship.
And then came that still, small voice, that I rarely hear clearly because it’s SO DARN LOUD inside my head. But I knew it was Him, because it was a voice of gentleness, tenderness and familiarity.
The Voice said: “Susanna, I’M your person.”
That’s all.
Clarity returned with a rush of rueful laughter.
Of course! WAS I alone all those times travelling? No, in fact, I sensed His presence even closer then, and every time I faced a travelling disaster, or even discomfort, He made his presence known. And anyway the real life couples that I knew didn’t usually have those smooth travelling experiences that I imagined- they often had to travel by themselves, or juggling several young children and even more bags.
He always was there when I needed to unload (as I was doing at that very moment), and probably more so than any spouse could ever be. One of my friends told me her husband would often just fall asleep as she talked. Even the best husbands couldn’t ALWAYS be constantly available.
He was ALWAYS on my side, even though He allegedly loved my ‘enemies’ as much as He loved me, I always knew I was His favourite. How many times had I run to Him furious, or anxious, or falling apart, or freaking out about something, and He held me, and calmed my fears, and put me back together?
My future was NOT alone and bleak- He had been walking with me so far, bringing different people, situations, and experiences into my life. I still hoped He would bring a husband, but even husbands can fail, or change, or leave, or die. He promised He never would. Not only did He walk with me, He sent me people who could laugh with me, and cry with me, and be my ‘people’ in a tangible ways when I needed them. I’ve never been part of a couple, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of human companionship. Why did I think that would change? It’s so easy to buy into self-pity lies.
But now I choose to remember the truth, to write it, to fix it in my heart. The truth is that I already have my ‘person’. And more than anyone else in this world, He’s got my back.
Susanna D serves with Emmaus Catholic Volunteers, an organisation of full-time lay Catholic singles and families who serve the poor and share the Gospel through a culture of encounter in various dioceses in India. She blogs at www.notveryindiangirl.blogspot.inand www.indiancatholicvolunteer.blogspot.in.